Just reflecting...

[Forah]

This is the 3rd time after both my radiation and chemo that I"m going for my MRI this thursday. *fingers crossed* it will be clear. I guess i'm going to have to get used to this...the MRI's, the claustrophobia and the trying to find my veins. And I know I'm only at the beginning so I've got to go a long long way. I still can't quite get used to the feeling of it all, the nervousness, the fear and the wait. The waiting is too long. And I know in reality it only takes a few days to get the results. But in essense its feels like forever. Its enough to send you into panic attacks...and believe me I've had my fair share. I can't even begin to describe to you what a panic attack feels like....it sort of feels like a heartattack, like you're lighter than your actual body and your hands get clammy. Your heart beats really fast and you just don't feel 'right'.
I hate it when I get them because its feels like doom is approaching...it feels like death.

You know I never really thought about the changes of all the basic things. Like speech, being able to communicate properly. I thought that would never change...but now I'm finding it difficult to say certain words. And sometimes I can think of something but it doesn't come out right. Singing...I used to love singing, me and my friends would sometimes go to a karaoke and sing all our favourite songs. But now I find I can't carry a tune, and I can't get the tone right, nor the words right when I come out with the words.
And then there is my memory. My long term memory is better but my short term memory is shocking. I can be taking a shower and in the next few minutes I will have forgotten what body part I just washed. Ain't it shocking! I think its because of the radiation. So my dr told me to keep a list of whatever it is I have to remember. That's hard because I'm used to being a bit scatty and disorganised. So I really need to get organised and list things out.

I'm starting to feel really tired these last couple of days. Been having insomnia but I hope it'll go away.

My mum says to not be too stressed over my mri's, but thats really hard not to be. Because of all those factors I mentioned earlier.

I'm changed. How do you see these changes and learn to love them?
How do you give up control and really be free?

questions, all these questions...I just don't have the answers to.