Delilah's Grave

[Abril]

Yesterday I went to bring Dee some flowers,
she loved sunflowers
but I thought she would have a headstone by now!
So I was looking and looking,
"Delilah girl I brought you these, where are you?!"
Oh gosh and the wind was blowing
so hard, it almost knocked me over.
We had storm winds brewing
along the Gulf Coast last night.
My mind was frantic, racing.
Finally a potted sunflower
led me to her final spot,
someone visited before.
She was very loved, you see.
But I thought I would come there to talk
to the wet dug up Earth
and then I realized,
she was more than just some bones.
Her precious memories
have left a last impression on my life.
I laid the flowers down not hellbent on looking
for her remains anymore
because for me
she is not really there.
She is free.
She is the renewed courage that I have found
to live my life
without giving a fuck
what anybody else thinks.
She is the smile from ear to ear
that I get when I think about
giving love a new chance.
Death is freedom of the body from pain,
freedom from suffering
here during our short time to live.
I sure do miss her,
but I'm alright compared to
when I got that first phone call
in an apartment in San Diego
crying uncontrollably
afraid to go to sleep,
flying to Chicago overnight
then landing in Miami
seeing her broken body
stuffed with cotton,
one hand crushed, hidden.
What are they thinking
showing her like that?
I thought,
I was angry and hurt
because I knew she wanted
her ashes spread in the sea.
I said my good-byes
and couldn't sleep again that night
or many nights afterward,
until one morning
she visited me in a dream
and I asked her
"You do know I love you, right?"
to which she replied
"Yes, that's why I'm here.
To spend time with you."
And then she was gone again.
She had crossed over
and came to tell me it was alright
over on the other side.
What a pretty dream,
I did not want to wake up!
Now that the dreams have stopped
I feel heartbroken
and wish she would still talk to me,
but I have my memories
to keep me warm.

How do you all deal with loss?
When does the pain go away?

[Anya]

I feel where you are coming from Kengi! Yesterday(11/16/) My cousin which is the mother of the cousin I lost and I went to visit the grave. We took the baby, so that we could pass her over the grave. I have heard that if a baby's parent passes and the baby and parent never meet then that's what they do. Once we got there I didn't think it would hit me like it did, but I couldn't help but cry as I stood there looking at the grave while holding and hugging the baby. Just thinking to myself, I wish she was here to see the lil girl she always wanted. It still hurts but like Kengi said I will just have to take it one day at a time.

[Kengi]

I love you April and if I could take away all the pain I would. MY heart and prayers are always with you.

[Abril]

I'm really glad we here in this community do not have to bear our pain alone.

[Kengi]

I wasnt going to comment on this one because my pain still hasnt gone away. I still find myself crying at any given time and it still hurts so much. However I try very hard to think of all the good things, the smilies the laughter and joy and that helps me remain strong as well as move forward. I dont know when the pain goes away, to be honest I dont know that it ever does and I am just speaking for me. I deal with it one day at a time.

[Abril]

Yeah girl, it is hard isn't it? My gosh I know your loss must be fresh so I'm sending lots of love your way. I wrote my friend a letter and left it under my pillow, I go to her grave and talk to her about stuff. If she saw me crying she'd probably say, "Stop being such a baby, we're soldiers we don't cry," haha. Little things help us to remember that the physical relationship is gone but we can still have a spiritual one. I can imagine how close you guys were and know she is never going to be lost as long as you remember what you shared.

[Anya]

That has brought tears to my eyes, and also made me think of my cousin I lost not even a month ago. Its hard but we are all dealing with in our own way. As I am sure you are dealing with your best friends lost in your own little way. With me I just remember the good times we shared and how she would brighten up a room when she was around. To be honest I really dont think the pain ever goes away, we just have to learn how to control it and move on.